


But I'm not a girl

by orphan_account



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Boys in Skirts, Crossdressing, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, M/M, Trans Ciel Phantomhive, Trans Female Ciel Phantomhive, ciel needs a hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-12-07 11:47:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18234452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ciel had always been a fairly feminine boy, he hid it behind his bratty attitude, but Sebastian can see right through the young master, and this comes to light when he begins to question his gender identity (but he's very supportive, not that he'd admit it)





	1. The dress - part 1

Ciel phantom hive was not a girl.  
Despite his girly looks, the subtlety of his features, his extremely feminine and petite frame, Ciel Phantomhive was a boy, a _man_ , a _company owner_ and if he were caught in a dress it would be the end of everything he had ever worked up to.  
And most of all he would not let his damn demon butler know that he liked to.

But now you know,  
Ciel phantomhive liked wearing dresses.  
He liked wearing the lacy pink materials, with the bows, and frills, he liked having his hair long and pulled back, the stockings, even the corset but worst of all, he _liked having men’s attention._

And that’s exactly how he ended up in this situation, having laced himself up in a dress he had gone out and bought, without his butlers knowing or permission. He had dressed himself (many people like to say that Ciel phantomhive could not dress himself, he in fact was just lazy and what’s the point in trading your soul if you got no benefits?), and he was now spinning around the room in joyful, girly, circles. Almost unrecognisable to the strict young boy anyone who came to the Phantomhive manor would see in the day, or anywhere else the young earl went.

He hadn’t got the hair extensions this time, there wasn’t much point, it was so dark and late that Ciel could barely see himself anyway. And they were a bother, too hard to remove without his butler knowing he'd put them in.

His dress was a navy midnight blue, with a netting star pattern laid over it, getting tighter at the top with slightly puffed out shoulders and he had never seen anything more beautiful. When he spun around it spun with him, painting sparkled circles around the room  
He had wanted to buy the matching shoes but they would severely limit his ability to move around in the dress without Sebastian hearing him and coming to ask why his ‘young master’ wasn’t in bed. And seeing the dress. Most of all seeing the dress.

Despite Ciel’s bad dancing skills he found himself doing so, traditional dances but more from the women's side, being in the woman’s position was far more fun, and liberating. It was less stiff and he didn't have to lead anyone, standing on someone's toes might be cute and alluring and not an end to his social image. For once in his life he wasn't worried, wasn't ridden with memories from his past, he felt like he was floating, as close to an angle you could get while selling your soul for revenge. He got so wrapped up in the whole spectacle that he didn’t hear the door open, or see his butler walk in until…

“well, young master, do we have something we need to talk about?” speak of the devil.

Ciel froze immediately, his eyes snapping open and pupils dilating to a point he didn’t know was possible, eyes glued on his butler who was stood smirking in the darkness, but unable to meet his eyes.

“I-I, its nothing! I was just!” it was surprising he managed to stutter out those words at all.

Sebastian edged nearer to the young boy, face now illuminated by the moon and making his smirking smug features more annoying and somehow more anxiety inducing, in some ways more shocked that his master had managed to dress himself than he was he was wearing a dress. Ciel might think that Sebastian was oblivious to his liking of dresses but he wasn’t. it was obvious, his constant complaining about it, talking about it, was not something that showed disdain but instead was asking if Sebastian would approve without giving his little secret away. And he was a demon, reading peoples body language was something he was adept in, and Ciel was definitely more at home in a dress than the youth dared to admit.

"Ciel, I am a demon, I have served masters more devious than you can imagine, and you think I am going to have an issue with you wanting to wear a dress of all things?"

Sebastian leaned down to his height, now looking his master in the eye and hooking his fingers to lift up his chin so ciel could No longer avoid eye contact without closing his eyes entirely. Red eyes piercing emotionlessly into his masters own bi-coloured eyes. He decided not to tell him he already knew, the earls pride had been hurt enough and anyway he needed something to tease him about next time the brat got on his nerves.

"I don't like wearing dresses"

"Then why, young master, are you wearing one?"

The boy shifted himself awkwardly in the older demons arms, before throwing himself forward and hiding his head in the mans shoulder, something which the hold hadn't been meant for and so threw Sebastian back slightly and made him readjust his grip.

Sebastian sighed, "You know young master it is perfectly fine to wear a dress whenever you want i know you think I will ridicule you however my aim is to make you happy and if this is what you wish to pursue..."

Ciel let out a half frustrated noise, half sigh of relief at the fact they were having this conversation.

"... then I am perfectly willing to help you, however I will not have you up at the early hours of the morning, you are an earl you have duties"

Sebastian took the smaller boy into his arms, which was easy as he was tired from staying up many nights before doing the same and also emotionally exhausted because good Lord this wasn't how he expected his evening to go. He layed him on the bed, expertly removing the items of clothing and dressing ciel back in his evening wear before laying him back in the bed and going to walk away.

"So you don't think I'm weird?"

"Or course not master."

"And you'll," he paused, "help me wear one again "

"If that is your wish master"

Sebastian began to leave, taking one last look at the almost-asleep earl.

"Thank you sebastian"

Now that was a shock indeed.


	2. The dress part 2

“Good morning young master”

Sebastian pulled open the curtains roughly, making Ciel blink awake and then quickly close his eyes in recoil.

“S-Sebastian”

“you have a busy day ahead of you young master, you can’t sleep in just because you were up gallivanting last night”

The young earls face turned a shade of red similar to that of a tomato, although last night had been embarrassing, waking up and having to deal with the actual consequences of what happened last night was a far worse prospect.

After breakfast, came the worst bit of it, it was time for Ciel to get dressed and in his typically emotionless, not-understanding-at-all-ness, and inexplicable bluntness (more so than any other butler Ciel had had but that also came with the territory) produced a dress from the cupboard behind him.

The dress had been fitted especially for Ciel, the bodice was tied like a marching band outfit, the back tight fitting and black with a corset built in the accentuate his thin and delicate curves while the front was done in blue similar to his normal suit. The dress had other parts of his normal wear added in, the top half of his torso where on a woman you would expect her breasts to be was done with hard silk, pudding out slightly to give an illusion of breasts to Ciel’s flat chested body; over that was a half blazer design, acting as a formal but masculine feature and decorated in silver chains and blue ribbon.

Below the belt was tied with a blue ribbon that lead into the black and blue skirt that came down to the floor. The back ruffled at the back, a fashionable thing for Victorian ladies, it was done in a pleasant navy, while the front was straight and done in a shiny black colour. Sebastian had also gone through the effort of getting a pair of matching leather pumps with a small heal at the back.

And Ciel loved it, the moment he set eyes on it he was already enamoured with the outfit, not enough to make his embarrassment completely fade away but half of the energy that had been spent on that was now focused on Sebastian’s next-to-none tailoring skills and that he had somehow accomplished this, along with knowing him far more, in the few hours between the earl falling asleep and waking up. Either that or he had known beforehand but that couldn’t be possible.

“Bochan?”

“I want to wear it.”

The answer had slipped out of his mouth before he had really thought about it, and really should have been embarrassing, he would surely be embarrassed by it later but now it didn’t matter, he wanted to wear it.

Sebastian smirked before getting to work. First he pulled a pair of black stockings up to his masters knees, attached with a pair of garters and cotton drawers, then taking his corset, tying it at the front and then adjusting it at the back. There was no need for it to be as tight as last time Ciel had needed to wear a dress, though he did adjust it to make his features more feminine (so not much). Over the top of the corset was the camisole, and then finally the dress. Far more strenuous than the normal dressing routine so when his butler finally finished he was almost as proud as Ciel looked when he saw himself in the mirror.

“can I wear this every day?”

“whatever you wish master”

 

Ciel learnt how to smile for the first time in a long time.


	3. Chapter 3

Seeing Ciel in a skirt or dress around the manor was not an uncommon occurrence, except on days where there were visitors or they had to leave the manor seeing the earl in a dress was to be expected, though some more formal than others.

None of the Phantomhive servants really minded it, Mey-rin if anything had been ecstatic that her and the young master had something to bond over. And all of them were happy that they saw their young master _smile_. Either way they had no room to judge, a demon, an assassin, a test subject, an old army soldier, and a butler who spent his time only laughing and drinking tea, didn’t exactly make Ciel look unusual for want to wear a dress. There were far more reasons to find Ciel Phantomhive unusual.

However, the outside world was an entirely different story, while Ciel had never been one for sticking to social stereotypes he did have an image to upkeep: for his family name, his company, and his position as the queens guard dog (and for Lizzie because as happy as she would be to dress up with Ciel no one wants a husband who acts like a girl). Ciel, even if he passed remarkably as a girl, had heard of his fair share of people being arrested for dressing up as the opposite gender in his small, straight-laced excuse for a country.

So that's what made this moment even more scary, Sebastian and Ciel had not talked much about his ' _little issue_ ', they had moved on except with Ciel wearing dresses and that became life, Ciel at the time hadn't really wanted to address the root of the issue, but now he was going to have to because the problem only seemed to have got worse since then. 

Ciel didn't want to just wear dresses, he wanted to _be_ a girl. 

And Sebastian might be the only person- _demon_ \- who could make that happen.

When Ciel wore dresses he-  _she -_ felt comfortable, but when she had to wear the suits to go out, when she had to look down, look in the mirror, and see that what she was seeing didn't look familiar or like her at all, it made her want to pull her own skin off.  In a quite literal way, Sebastian had caught him scratching incessantly and had to stop him many times, seeing the results in their evening bathing ritual- seeing himself naked had been another thing he's grown to loathe, asking to double the bubbles had only seemed to alleviate the issue slightly. Ciel didn’t like how flat his chest was, sure he was only young, most women his age wouldn’t have a particularly impressive bust either way but the difference  _was they would_  and Ciel Phantomhive  _wouldn’t_. the same with his minuscule hips.

He just didn't know how to bring it up with the reserved man. 

 

As you may have already guessed however (of course you have, even a blind man could see it), Sebastian already knew of the issue. Maybe intuition, maybe that they were bonded through their contract, maybe because Ciel had made it so damn _obvious,_ it infuriated Sebastian he couldn't bring it up without denial, possible punishments,  (not that he cared about his young master he just acted far more bratty the more his frustration seemed to grow at the situation.)

Ciel had always been a brat but this was taking the cake, every time he was made wear his suit for outings he would stiffen up so that it made it harder for Sebastian to get on. He would complain all day about the fabric being too rough  (something that had not been a problem before and considering the expense of the suit was most definitely not true), complaining about his washing, about the short being too tight or too revealing (thought the dresses he wore were definitely more tight, though admittedly less revealing, knees were seldom shown.) When he was wearing dresses he would moan about the fit around his chest, or rather his lack of chest, the fact his hips didn't stick out and how the dress didn't curve around him properly. That his face was too masculine, that his shoulder were too wide, that it would only got worse now he was getting older (his Adams apple was already showing slightly, Sebastian wouldn't tell him but he had the suspicion Ciel was all too aware of it).

"Sebastian you're to serve me until this contract is completed, yes?"

"yes young master" 

"and you have to do everything i say, bend to my every want, confirm?"

"yes Bocchan i am at your every whim" 

"then Sebastian, help me become a girl" 

 Sebastian's eyes widened, looking down at his young master, the bossy young boy  _girl_ he had been serving for the last couple of years, the headstrong and stubborn, yet deeply weak and guarded, alpha male in front of him. Though he would be lying if he said that he hadn't half been expecting Ciel to say this, there were signs, he hadn't actually expected his master to come out and say he wanted to  _transition,_ Victorian society would never approve, especially with him being a noble and the queens watchdog. and Ciel had always been too stubborn to admit the things he needed, only the ones he wanted... cake... sweets... hot chocolate... but never what he needed: to be held, to be taken after, to have time to be a child, to transition.

"Yes young master, what would you like changing?"

"everything, mostly like my chest and my lack of hips and my hair being semi-short, just _everything_." Ciel broke into a subtle slang, lowering himself to a more lower status as he let his emotions show to the older man. 

"Well, the hair is easy enough, and i know some _people_ who might be willing to help with your _other_ issues" 

"when can we see them?"

 

"Tomorrow, up early, we will have to head down to London for a while so i will ask them to prepare our accommodation"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is kind of short, i'm doing my GCSES so having time to update is difficult and i'm also working on editing some of my chapters cause i'm not a very good writer whoops. hope you're enjoying this story though!


	4. Chapter 4

After evening meal Sebastian had gone about collecting supplies needed for the following day while ciel finished off work final paperwork that needed filling out before they left. 

Much to Ciels dismay Sebastian had layed out a suit for the next day, blaming the need to explain the situation to Prince soma before walking in, fully clad as a woman, and risk hurting the newly come-out ciel. Neither of them had any doubts Soma would be the most accepting of anyone- despite his often selfish and obnoxious attitude- as long as ciel was happy he would be too. 

The rest of the suitcase was filled with the kind of dresses Elizabeth would wear, minus some of the frills, bows and pink.  Ciel was the gothic kind of girly. There was also stockings, a corset, essentials, with colourful hair bands, bobbles and bows scattered in between to make ciel feel better as he transitions.

Tommorow would be busy, Sebastian already knew who they'd have to meet, while there was many things he could do himself to help his young mistress himself there were others that would need a more steady and specialised hand than his own and that was what this trip was all about. 

So the next morning ciel and Sebastian would set out to meet the first person they'd need to help them; the undertaker.

* * *

 

There was a reason the undertaker was one (or formerly one) of the most powerful grim reapers, and also a reason why he had fought so hard to keep his death scythe. He didn't just have the power to take others memories after they died but could draw out these memories before and _dispose of them_ if need be.

It is what had made him one of the most invaluable members of the grim reapers. If one of them was seen or found out the undertaker would promptly be sent in to rid the human, or occasional demon, of their existence and be done with it without having to fill in the mountains of paperwork and occasional faking of deaths. And he was the only one who could do it.

That's what made the undertaker so interesting to sebastian, there would be no need for society to reject, even harm ciel, if they could get rid of the memory of ciel being a boy and due to his rather hidden status despite nobility, mainly because of being the queens guard dog, it wouldn't take too many opinions changing to make the fact ciel was, and always had been, a girl the known fact throughout Britian. but only the undertaker could fully cement this.

Now there was just the convincing part.

The common payment was of course making him laugh, or ciel making him laugh, but this was going against every law set out for the grim reapers and at the worst could get his beloved death scythe removed from him entirely all for the sake of the child of one of his late friends? almost seemed like an inconsievable sacrifice that both (althought ciel didnt know it yet) were reluctant to believe he would do without a bit more than a laugh.

so when the two arrived at the door, to ciels shock, and ciel was promtly briefed that _he_ would have to _come out_ to a man that although mad was only second to his father, sebastian was almost glad he hadnt told him because he couldnt deal with more than 5 minutes of ciel freaking out before he was losing his patience,

"Undertaker,"

"How nice of you to visit Ciel, there's no cases on so why am i seeing you today?" the older man smirked as he watched the child shift awkwardly on his feet.

"Sebastian please leave"

"are you sure young master"

"Thats an order."

The undertaker smirked more, sitting down and propping up his head with his hand to be at eye level with the obviously increasingly anxious boy, sure he got a kick out of others pain but this was his deceased close friends child and he would at least give him a bit of respect.

"i need to tell you something"

"you're a girl"

"w-what"

"I have known you since you were baby, i am a godly being with connections to the underworld i know  _everything_ and i can see your soul and it is a girls, you were never fooling me ciel" 

By this point Ciel was almost crying _again,_ sobs wracking through his shoulders, barely surpressed by his small frame showing years of pain trying to hide this from people because it wasn't _normal,_ and he was a _noble, and this would ruin everything._ Somewhere in this the undertaker had walked around from the desk, taking the girl in his arms in her brief moment of weakness, something he hadn't been allowed to do since she was a child. The undertaker was warm, for a man who she had always assumed had limited human contact he was easy to sink into, harmonied with him rubbing her back as she sobbed into his coat pathetically as they sunk to the floor together. It was unusual, she had never expected him to be like this. 

He finally spoke, "I know how hard this has been for you"

nod.

"I'm glad you can finally be yourself"

Ciel twisted slightly to look up at the man.

"What do you need me to do?"

"I need people to forget i was ever a boy"

He could do that, even if Vincent would never have approved of it, even if it takes a while, even if it got his death scythe taken away. He was tasked to protect this girl, his last favour to vincent, and he cant save her from his fate, that damn demon will make it so she never gets to live the life she was meant to, he could atleast make whatever little time she had left happy and being herself. _He could do that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know in the anime and manga the undertaker doesnt have these powers (obviously) but its the only way i could think for ciel to transition considering it was illegal to even cross dress in the time when black butler is set. hope you enjoy the chapter!


End file.
